Owls v Bradford, OMDT

[DuttyTeabags]

SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY v BRADFORD CITY, EFL LEAGUE ONE

 

Hillsborough: Thursday - 8pm

 

It’s here.  The first league game back at Hillsborough.  And there is something I need to address before we go any further.

 

+3

 

Look at it.

Plus.

Three.

No minus sign.

 

I’ve checked several league tables.  I’ve turned my phone sideways. I’ve even looked at the EFL website.  It’s definitely there.

 

Sheffield Wednesday Football Club have positive points.

 

After finishing last season with precisely zero points, Wednesday travelled to Leyton Orient last Saturday and returned with all three.

 

And what a sophisticated display of the beautiful game it was, a well-reharsed training-ground move leading to our first goal.

 

Later, Barry Bannan rounded the goalkeeper, had the goal at his mercy...and…   ...   ...

 

So, after one league game (in the finest pools coupon readout voice

 

Slattery’s a**e — 1
Barry Bannan's wand of a left foot — 0

 

WELCOME HOME!

 

And so, after our triumphant opening-day away win, the new era finally arrives at Hillsborough.

 

Quite literally a new(ish) Hillsborough.

 

While we’ve all been away, frying eggs on our foreheeds, something approaching £9 million has reportedly been spent on the old lady.

 

Twenty-five years' worth of upgrades have apparently been squeezed into about 120 days, with reports of as many as 900 workmen on site at once. 

 

New hospitality. Upgraded club shop. World class Wi-Fi.

 

And (in a bit of an exclusive hush-hush coup from ITK yours truly), £10k on a new real-hair toupee for Barry Bannan as his signing-on fee (although on lease-to-own so as to get around the EFL transfer spend restrictions).

 

£10k you say? Apparently no expense spared, this particular hairpiece has been meticulously curated from 15 years of collected clippings from Ginger Spice’s monthly vagazzle appointments.

 

HOT WATER IN THE TOILETS?

 

Younger Owlstalk members might not appreciate quite how significant this is.

 

The last known incidence of hot water in a Hillsborough toilet occurred shortly after a monkey from 2001: A Space Odyssey wandered down from the Kop, rubbed two sticks from an oak tree on the banks of the River Don together and accidentally set the bogs on fire.

 

That was either approximately 1.8 million years ago or 1968.

 

Sadly I won’t be in attendance myself, being exiled in pastures offshore, so I’m relying on those attending to report back.

 

Does the Wi-Fi work? Is it world class? Try the advanced test: put on your disguise, connect a VPN, go incognito mode in your mobile browser, type in xhamster, knock one out in the ladies cubicle, wash hands etc. (in cold water), remove disguise, go back to seat. Buffering or clean delivery?

 

Is the Megastore finished?  What is Hirsty’s Bar like?

 

And most importantly, can one buy Mezcal in pints from Pantalones, and does one have to wear pantaloons to get in?

 

At approximately 4.57pm I fully expect the Matchday section of Owlstalk to contain the following two threads:

 

“HILLSBOROUGH - WOW”

What a transformation. Incredible work by everyone involved. Doesn’t feel like the same club.

 

Followed immediately by:

 

“£9 MILLION AND THEY HAVEN’T PAINTED THIS BIT”

 

And in the OMDT comments:

 

“Geri Halliwell is actually a brunette she only dyed her hair ginger for the Spice Girls”

 

Anyways, onto matchday business.

 

OUR VISITORS

 

Providing the opposition for this historic reopening are Bradford City.

 

We haven't played Bradford in the league since February 2005, when they beat us 2-1 at Hillsborough.

 

In fact, although we’ve not played them much since we decided to forgo our Premier League status for a brief 26-year foray into the lower leagues, our recent record against them isn't great.

 

Our relationship goes back rather further. Our first meeting was in 1908, a goalless draw at Bradford.

 

More significantly, in 1999/2000, Bradford and Wednesday were both in the Premier League.

 

Paul Jewell's newly promoted Bradford looked doomed but pulled off a famous final-day escape, beating Liverpool 1-0 at Valley Parade courtesy of a David Wetherall goal to finish 17th on 36 points.

 

Wednesday, meanwhile, were relegated, finishing 19th on 31.

 

They are no mugs at this level and exceeded all expectations last season in finishing 4th, racing out of the traps with a series of eye-catching wins across August and September, and winning seven, drawing three and losing just one against top-half teams in the first half of the campaign.

 

They currently sit third, opening the season with a 2-0 victory over the Posh, with goals from defender Macaulay Gillesphey from a set piece, followed by a close-range finish from substitute Nick Powell, the former Man Utd prodigy.

 

Graham Alexander has them set up in a 3-4-2-1, with Callum Connolly converted from CB to CDM and a key man taking their set pieces. With new signing and Sheffield unit Jake Beesley providing the striking focal point, expect a thorough physical examination of our defensive organisation and ability to cut out balls in from their overlapping wing-backs.

 

We may well need Matt Hamshaw's reputation for detail on set pieces and Lumley to continue commanding his six-yard box.

 

TEAM NEWS:

 

I was honestly mildly excited about the signing of Tyler Onyango. Injury challenges aside seemed exactly the kind of athletic, long-limbed midfield gazelle we’ve been waiting for since the last injury-prone long-limbed gazelle we had last season and the season before.  Lasted 18 mins poor kid now could be oot for season.

 

In fact, thinking about it, Shea Charles (and Semedo) comes out of his time at SWFC with even more credit as one of the few No. 6 holding midfielders we’ve had that hasn’t spent more time in the knacker's yard than on the pitch: Onyango, Chalobah, Byers, Luongo, Hutch, Abdi, Melo….

 

Team update from Pedos presser:

 

Valery available, sounds like Mitchell and Santos are close.  Am hoping we can start both as we're gonna need bite and height.

 

SCORE PREDICTION

 

Wednesday 2 - 1 Bradford

 

17 Bradford (foot)
65 Slattery (right teste)
93 Bannan (syrup)

 

Bannan rounds the keeper for an injury-time winner, trips over trying to get the ball back onto his left peg, and his newly-refurbed hairpiece flies off and nudges it over the line.

 

Cue absolute bedlam in the stands and on the pitch, including the world’s first ten-man p*be-toupee pile on. (colour tbc)

 

+6.

 

Enjoy the match and report back.

 

Don’t get too bladdered.

And for Gawd's sake, don't burn theesens int bogs.

UTO

 

 

[Busmansholiday]

Cracking OMDT, thank you.

[Bob]

Thanks for that, informative, humourous and entertaining.

 

I am hopeful for a 2-1 win and top of the league. Enjoy those going and I hope for feedback from Hirstys.

[REDOWL]

Thank you @DuttyTeabags for the excellent thread,much appreciated. 

WAWAW 

[CalmJimmers]

We have a club to support, feels flipping excellent.

 

1-1

 

Barry

[Holmowl]

Top man @DuttyTeabags

 

Not sure I can bring myself to look at Bannan’s hair ever again mind.

 

Can’t wait for this one. New space-age,e-thingy season-ticket ready to go. Near sell-out. Good away following. Floodlights. Sky. Storchy.

 

Fantastic.

 

 

[Willie Henderson]

Brilliant @DuttyTeabags, and the word teste isn't used nearly enough. Excellent work sir.

[Johnny12Inch]

Not sure how I feel about "pedo's presser"

[Holmowl]

Two matches - Two different OMDT starters.

 

Personally I think having as many different fans as possible starting these OMDTs all season would keep them fresher, more interesting and more fun.

 

There’s no right or wrong way to do them. Long, short, serious, (attempted) humour, deep and meaningful, shallow twaddle…it all works.

 

Please post willingness to do one or more on here, or DM me.

Many thanks.

 

 

[The_Ghost_Of_91]

Brilliant post from the OP!

 

Thank you, sir.

 

2-1 win for us.

 

Party atmosphere.

 

Looking forward to the surprise..hot water! No I mean MJ absailing down with the tifo!

[trumbullowl]

Brilliant! Brilliant! Slattery arsed it in from a much tougher angle than Bazza's miss. And....reharsed.....marvellous!

[Utah Owl]

Brilliant Sir Dutty of Teabags.

 

[FalseNine]

Can’t wait for this, it’s been far far too long 

[DuttyTeabags]

38 minutes ago, Holmowl said:

Two matches - Two different OMDT starters.

 

Personally I think having as many different fans as possible starting these OMDTs all season would keep them fresher, more interesting and more fun.

 

There’s no right or wrong way to do them. Long, short, serious, (attempted) humour, deep and meaningful, shallow twaddle…it all works.

 

Please post willingness to do one or more on here, or DM me.

Many thanks.

 

 

Happy to do more mate if folk like this un

[Adepizza]

Great OMDT. I am actually excited about the first home game of the season, and the rest of the season, for the first time in years!